On Saturday, 2nd February, (1st Spawn's birthday) at 10:23am I lost my keys. My mind went a long time ago, so my house and car keys were the next obvious thing, apart from my children. But they refuse to be lost as the oldest shouts "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOM! MOM! MOTHER!" every 3.16 seconds, and 2nd spawn clings to me like a dead crab.
On 1st spawn's birthday I promised that we would bake a cake (oh dear deity, what I have I gotten myself into?), so Granny very kindly offered to take 2nd spawn (6 months old, going on 6years old) to the market so that I could have "quality born day time with my 1st". The Viking was inept in bed with some super virus, and I knew he was alive due to the last dying breaths of grunting emanating from our bedroom every few minutes.
Granny arrives amidst screaming chaos (it was mostly me screaming), with 2 very excitedly sick children running and crawling around the house with snot running into their toes, eating the couch, my shoe and trying to brush my hair (what hair? I have either pulled it out, or it has wilfully been brushed out by my hairdresser in the making. She also wants to be a Marine Biologist so she can save the Mermaids.). 2nd spawn's bag is packed with nappies, bottles, clothes, wet wipes, the kitchen sink, toys, formula, my mind and her snot sucker. Granny is ready to go for her adventure to the market. 2nd spawn's car chair is in Goldilocks (the golden tank that spurts oil, petrol and curses at innocent bystanders in Sedgefield), so I grab my keys (THE KEYS), I have the car seat and the baby (aka the worm) in one arm, open the gate, the car door and wrangle 1st spawn off the road with the other hand. Amidst this array of orderliness, I place my keys (THE KEYS) on the top of Granny's car. *AHEM* I actually never learn... This post dates a cellphone on top of her car which flew off on the highway, got driven over by a car, and still works to this day! Then, because I am incapable of learning anything, I again, leave my wallet, cellphone and keys (THE KEYS) on top of Granny's car, whilst strapping one of the spawns into the car. We happily drive off and during a high speed turn (because my mother thinks speed bumps mean exactly that - SPEED - and corners are supposed to be taken like an F1 race), my keys start sliding off the car's roof, SCCRRRRRRRRRRCCCHHHHHHH... "Stop the car!" I scream, which sends panic through my children and almost gives Granny a second stroke. I climb out the car, with head bowed in shame, and retrieve my items from the top of mom's vehicle. To her credit she did not say a word, but snorted a little snigger, and gave me a sideways "you idiot" glare.
Yes. I am incapable of learning. Anything. Have you seen me in the kitchen? The Viking refuses to let me cook because he says I embarrass the knives. I am actually totally fine with that though, the kitchen is a horrifying place for me, full of scary things like bread boards, plastic spatulas and graters (the stuff of nightmares).
So Granny happily takes 2nd spawn to the market, u-turns on the way to get something at home, and then parks at Wild Oats (the bumpiest of roads on a good day), she drives around Sedgefield, brings 2nd spawn home (still alive and eating toes, I don't know who's toes though, anyone missing some toes?), she drives off home, comes back later for tea, and the promised cake which 1st spawn baked all on her own (after 2 eggs on the floor, cake mix on the roof, batter in her hair and the kitchen looking like Chicago in a snow storm). The cake was actually delicious, despite the occasional crunch of an ant sacrifice. We are all happily tucked away inside whilst the heaviest rains of the year beset their disapproval on mankind outside. The grandparents leave, and all in the house calms down to a dull roar of squeaky balloons and unicorn glitter. I feel a shop jaunt coming on (Party in my car without the kids! Woohoo!), so I look for my keys (THE KEYS). They are not in any of the usual spots, so I check 2nd spawn's mouth, 1st spawn's black hole also known as her bedroom, the fridge (because thats where one looks for things lost) and under the couches. No keys. Now, I REALLY want a glass of wine and the bottle store closes in 7 minutes. The frantic searching ensues. No keys. I even checked the toilet bowl. No keys.
In the car (with the spare key) I call granny (please don't report me to the speed cops), interrogating her on the location of my keys. She checks in the car, all over, nothing. No keys. Some serious swearing ensues. I retrace her F1 drive through Sedgefield, even stopping at the occasional puddle to go fishing, still no keys. I come home feeling empty and very un-secure, my car and house keys are on that damn bunch! Damn thine *bleep bleeping bleep*! I even in desperation posted on "Sedge Locals" asking if anyone has seen the frigging keys, never mind my mind!
That night I push the couch in front of our front door, its a barn door, so what use is that really? For the hope that if some unsavoury character found them and decides to rob us of our meagre belongings, he might stub his toe on the way in.
3 days pass and no keys. I dream of being robbed and every time the dog twitches I shoot out of bed convinced our house is being invaded by aliens or robbers or ants (well the ants are actually slowly carrying our kitchen away). I am so stressed, panicked and terrified about the loss of my keys.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, aka Granny's car, she is speeding all over the Garden Route, she takes a quick jaunt to Barrington to her new farm, along the bumpiest of roads in existence - the reason jeeps were made. She meanders along at granny speed through and around Sedgefield, and on day 3 of missing keys, she takes a windy jaunt to Knysna, to buy a new fridge (it only took 60 years), and to pick up 4 tweenagers (aged between 3&5years old).
My phone tweeps and I get a photo. My keys have rusted to the roof of Granny's car. These keys have travelled over 120km's, through wind, rain, thunder storms, over gravel roads, Granny's high speed driving, u-turns, left turns, right turns, over speedy bumps and all around the market. These keys have sat on the roof of Granny's car. These damn keys.
